The Cake Is A Lie
by toomanycats
Summary: Brenda reacts to some terrible news. Oneshot, Brenda/Sharon established.


Disclaimer: All recognisable characters and situations are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Not much to say, other than this is a silly little oneshot I wrote after reading a news article this morning. All mistakes are my own.

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Brenda gnawed on the corner of her thumbnail, watching the rainbow dial whirl (again!) as her computer thought long and hard about refreshing the page. She was just about to give the case a kick for good measure when the computer pinged, suggesting it was done. Well either that or it was making microwave popcorn. She never really did know what all those updates were for.

She leant in to get a better look when she realised the webpage had indeed been refreshed and a new bid had been placed.

"_Forty dollar_s?"

It seemed a little steep. Still...

Squinting behind her black-rimmed frames, Brenda painstakingly populated the bidding field, hitting the 'submit' button with a satisfied smirk. Forty _five_ dollars. Take that, mister _bidswithafist_.

"You know you could just increase the screen resolution."

Brenda sat bolt upright, struck once again by the thought that she really needed to get a bell for her girlfriend. How on earth was she supposed to get away with anything when the woman was so stealthy? Maybe she could get one from that seller she'd bought Serena's collar from. Or convince her mama to gift her a jingly sweater for Christmas. Not that she'd wear it, of course. Although the collar idea opened up a whole bunch of possibilities -

"What are you looking at anyway?" Sharon asked, stepping up behind Brenda's chair. She placed a hand on the back of her head, gently smoothing the tangle of blonde curls. She'd been absent for much of Saturday, having played the doting grandparent and attended the boys' soccer match that morning. The slightly rumpled weariness she was projecting suggested she'd enjoyed herself. That and the conspicuous smudge of dirt on the side of her nose.

"Nothin'," Brenda replied, minimising the window. Not quickly enough. Without a second thought, Sharon reached over her and hit the shortcut key, bringing the browser window back into full view.

"EBay, Brenda Leigh? My my my: how the mighty have fallen."

"Yes, well you're always tellin' me to try new things."

Sharon smirked, clearly pleased with herself. Great, as if the woman's ego wasn't healthy enough.

"So what are you bidding on?" She leant in, hands resting lightly on Brenda's shoulders. "Forty dollars for a box of _snack cakes_?"

"Forty five," Brenda admitted, wincing at the nails now digging into her shoulders. "And they're not just snack cakes," she added huffily. "This could be the last box of Ho Hos in existence!"

"Oh for Pete's sake," Sharon exclaimed, pinching the bridge of her nose, "I knew it was a mistake introducing you to online shopping. Despite what _spoonerorlater_ seems to suggest, I sincerely doubt this is 'the last box of Ho Hos in existence'," she drawled sardonically. "These things last forever. There're probably whole caches of them leftover from the Eisenhower administration."

"Yes, well you saw the news; Hostess is goin' into liquidation. Do you really want to live in a world without Ho Hos? Or Twinkies?"

"I'm sure I'd survive, as would you." Sharon sat back, perching on the edge of the desk. "You know, sweetheart, this could be an opportunity. Didn't the doctor say –"

"I know what the doctor said," Brenda snapped, folding her arms petulantly. Ooh, and wasn't it just like her captain to use facts against her? Just because he was a "licensed medical professional" didn't mean that stupid naturopath had the right to tell her to cut back on sugar. For heaven's sake, what was stevia anyway? A nineties boy band?

"Fine," Sharon conceded, throwing her hands up in defeat, "I won't tell you how to spend your money."

_Waste your money, _Brenda thought with a grimace. 'Course on the surface it sounded like she was off the hook but she'd fallen for Sharon's passive aggressive routine before. No, it had to be a trick.

"So you won't stop me from buyin' these Ho Hos," she said warily. Sharon just shrugged her shoulders.

"Nope."

"Even if it cost… a hundred dollars."

"No," Sharon forced a tight smile, "even if it costs a hundred dollars."

_Really?_

"Well why not?"

"Because I trust you," she said simply. And at that she pushed off the desk, walking towards the hallway.

Oh, that sneaky, manipulatin', WASPy witch of a woman!

"And besides," Sharon continued, stopping in the open doorway, "I wouldn't want to be labelled a hypocrite."

"Why would I ever –"

"I may have stockpiled Ding Dongs." Brenda blinked in disbelief. "Just one or two."

"Boxes?"

"Cases. The hurricane," she added by way of explanation, responding to Brenda's bewildered expression.

"Was in New England."

"You know what they say, Brenda Leigh," Sharon replied, shoving her hands into the pockets of her sports coat, "you can never be too prepared. Enjoy your shopping."

She flashed a decidedly wry grin before heading off in the direction of the stairs.

Slightly baffled by the admission, Brenda spun back to her monitor and once again hit the refresh button. The little icon pinged again.

"_Sixty dollars?"_

Giving the treats one last look Brenda closed the browser window. Well, she had to draw the line somewhere. And besides, who needed Ho Hos when you had Ding Dongs?

Confident that Sharon wasn't going to return, she turned her attention to the creased piece of paper to her right, ominously titled _Apocalypse_. Grabbing a red felt pen, she crossed out the item calling for 'chocolate essentials'. She wasn't exactly sure snack cakes at the end of civilisation were what the girl-scouts had in mind when they said to be prepared, but they were fairly progressive. All right, maybe not 'how to survive a zombie apocalypse' progressive, but that was what the CIA were for.

With a small shake of her head, Brenda tucked the list back into the top drawer of her desk. Her fingers closed around an all too familiar, shiny silver disk. Unable to resist the temptation, she withdrew the treat, moaning in pleasure as she sank her teeth into the velvety chocolate. Her senses flooded with the sweet, sugary goodness. _Heaven._

Tossing the ball of alfoil into the waste-paper basket, Brenda reopened the browser window.

_Sixty-five dollars. _

It seemed like of a lot of money right now, but some things really were worth fighting for. Surely Sharon would understand that. Before she could think better of it, Brenda selected 'Buy it now'.

She sucked the remaining chocolate from her fingertips as the computer hemmed and hawed in contemplation. Finally, it pinged once more.

_You are the successful bidder. _

She smiled broadly.

"Sharon," she called, wondering exactly how long it would take for the other woman to fall off her pedestal, "could you bring me my purse?"

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_As always, your feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading._


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